


(Keep on Coming) Back to You

by GMTYUniverse



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: I guess this is just angst, Ive been told to add sad to the tags, M/M, SO, Sad, a very angsty one at that, but it could also just be an AU where Louis happens to be a songwriter, harry isn't even actually in this, i'm sorry noone else is in this, non-au, or well it's implied this is canon, their relationship is merely implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 14:23:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14570895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GMTYUniverse/pseuds/GMTYUniverse
Summary: Written for the #5DaysofLouis.Sometimes, when he’s alone and he’s lying in bed and there’s nothing to distract him from the thousand thoughts running through his head, he’ll register one of those thoughts whispering to him – “what if you would just quit and leave it all behind?”





	(Keep on Coming) Back to You

**Back to You**

Louis sighs once more as he looks over at the Hollywood sign. He’s got a great view of it from his house in LA, but it always makes him a bit uncomfortable. The first few times he’d been there, he’d marveled at the big letters, and everything they stood for.

Nowadays, all he feels is his stomach churning with unease. He feels small and inconsequential compared to them. He’s not invincible, and he kind of has started to hate everything they stand for.

Fame.

Fantasies.

Fortune.

The truth is that he’s tired. He’s tired, and exhausted, and he’s developed an aversion of anything to do with the lifestyle that he’d been thrusted into as a mere teenager on the cusp of adulthood.

He hates the politics of making music. Hates the theatre of _selling_ music. He’s almost started to hate the process of making music too.

It's suffocating, the idea that his greatest love has been potentially spoiled and poisoned and taken from him forever.

Sometimes, when he’s alone and he’s lying in bed and there’s nothing to distract him from the thousand thoughts running through his head, he’ll register one of those thoughts whispering to him – “what if you would just quit and leave it all behind?”

Sometimes that question then snowballs into scenarios where Louis either never became famous but still makes music in his room or never makes music at all; or he is who he is, but just… stops. Sometimes it makes him feel angry, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Other times it just makes him wistful, and sad. Sometimes he ends up okay.

The only constant is that the hunger and need to create remain. Occasionally, he wishes he could ignore it. Wonders if he could truly live without it.

But he kind of doesn’t want to. Music runs through his veins, always has, always will.

It’s addicting, in a way. Having seen the reaction of people to his music once, makes him crave it all over again. Makes him able to express himself in a way he can’t with just words. It makes him feel understood, less alone – like he’s part of something much bigger than himself.

It stills and liberates him all at the same time. And Louis needs that, craves it every single second of every single day – it’s salvation and euphoria and therapy. But it’s also never fucking enough. His thoughts never stop. His mind never stops. The music inside his brain just won’t stop.

He wryly questions whether he’d have the same seemingly endless pool of inspiration if he wasn’t locked into a life he didn’t particularly choose. Maybe it’s just fact that real artists can only function with a tortured mind. Maybe he wouldn’t need music as badly if he wasn’t, you know, paying the price for _making_ said music.

It’s not like he didn’t try taking a step back for the sake of his own sanity. It’s just that he found that really wasn’t the answer to any of his issues. It was the easy way out, but it wasn't easy at all. And it made him feel like he was missing a limb, missing part of himself. Phantom pain or some shit. Just. He’s fairly certain he’d end up insane either way.

So here he is. In LA. Again. Staring out of a window at some writer’s camp, hoping that no matter what – he’ll at least get to be honest through song and lyric. That maybe it’ll make him feel less unhinged, make him feel a little bit more in control.

He briefly wonders whether or not he should text Harry. Let him know he’s gonna be here for a while longer, that maybe they can sync their schedules to LA time for a bit.

Then again, Louis needs distance. Needs to figure out who he is himself, because lately he’s just felt lost. Despite his anchor, all Louis seems to do is drift.

He kind of wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all, wondering when he’s ever going to feel like writing a song like Strong again. Or Home, for that matter. He’s not sure if it’s wise to be wistful of that. It’s funny how he only remembers the good, and how easily he skims over the bad from the past.

“You ready, Lou? We’ve finalised the pre-chorus bit so it fits with the beat.”

He gives Rick a grin, then nods. Louis resolves to call later today, after his session.

For now, all he wants to do is treasure his first love - perfect his music, and hope he can shield it from the poison of everything that surrounds it, seems to surround him.

It’s when he hears the first full playback of the song, that he finally feels like he can breathe again.

They’ll be okay. He’ll be okay. It will be okay. For now, it just – it is what it is. He’s not a quitter. He doesn't like to concede. 

All he knows is this: He loves music. He hates the music industry (and he’s pretty sure half of the industry hates him in return, because lies always seem to travel faster than facts). But - love trumps hate. So here he is. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Until death will do them part, he will keep coming back to music. Just like music keeps on coming back to him.

Music is pretty good company. He won't complain - not about that.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> lol I'm sorry for this, but i'm also not. I really also wanted to write something super extremely Louis-centric for Back to You and the 5daysoflouis and I also really wanted to focus on the idea that the song is about a different type of relationship and love/hate connection than that of two lovers, but instead about him and music.


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